


in which seungkwan has never been in love

by forboo



Series: seventeen ship shots [13]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: "i'm more korean than american" vernon bc i hate when people write him all NYC STYLE FUQBOI, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Denial of Feelings, Domestic Fluff, Feelings Realization, First Dates, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I tag a lot, Kissing, M/M, Producer Lee Jihoon | Woozi, always with me theres lots of kissing, and troye sivan, author seungkwan, everyone say thank you yoon jeonghan, hansol just always knew, i dont really ship verkwan that much anymore but this was perfect for them, i explore hansol's hair colours, i think i mention namjoon, idk i don't talk about hansol a lot oops, idk i just, it's my second description, jeonghan is a psych major, kinda lol, okay about the story, producer vernon, seungkwan is conflicted, seungkwan takes time, why is that not a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 06:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18115490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forboo/pseuds/forboo
Summary: boo seungkwan learns what it means to fall in love and chwe hansol is the reason why.or, boo seungkwan is emotionally constipated, yoon jeonghan reads people like books (+ is very in love with his husband) and chwe hansol is the answer to all seungkwan's questions.





	in which seungkwan has never been in love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [my lil readers love yall](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=my+lil+readers+love+yall).



> (in which elle writes long titles for no reason and gets far into her characters im so sorry lol, i'm not kidding there's like 1.7k words of introduction ft like no verkwan. also in which elle loves to write pining and relationship development and cant seem to get to the actual main events of the story im so sorry please love me)
> 
> also everyone say thank you to my new editor (@JIIISOO on wattpad) who has to put up with a lot!

 

seungkwan had always had a passion for writing, even when he was small. even before he had ever seen a computer or knew how to properly write all the letters of hangul. seungkwan was a storyteller at heart and it was impossible for him to escape that.

no matter where or when, how or to whom, seungkwan would always have a story up his sleeve that he was ready to share. from sad events and heartbroken characters to true life misadventures from the supermarket. seungkwan had a story for every and any occasion, based off of every and any occasion. his fluency in the korean language and his expert articulation played major roles within his storytelling.

 

ideas came naturally to seungkwan, his brain was never short of a (possibly out of this world) idea that could spark into something amazing. his imaginative mind complimented his literary skills brilliantly. together, they left readers and listeners alike wanting more. the korean boy's natural ability to portray something through wild hand gestures and odd dramatic antics made sure that his audiences were always beyond entertained and intrigued. although those stories were usually saved for dinner parties and the odd cup of tea on a sunday.

 

seungkwan enjoyed surrounding himself with intellectual conversation and people who were like-minded to him. which is why his friendship with chwe hansol, from office a-10, was rather outlandish. not that he was trying to insult the american boy, hansol simply wasn't the type of person seungkwan usually hung out with. or so he thought.

 

chwe hansol was a rather peculiar boy. he stood no more than an inch taller than seungkwan and was a month or so younger. they never spoke too much, hansol was nothing but an acquaintance. a familiar face in the office every morning that would occasionally ask about seungkwan's weekend. nevertheless, he was odd in some ways more than other. hansol only drank black coffee with a pump of vanilla. it didn't make sense to seungkwan how someone could truly like the taste of black coffee, with vanilla or not. hansol also almost always came to work wearing some, rather ugly, bucket hat. he would take it off once he got inside, almost like a school boy, and then run a hand through his strawberry blonde hair just to tame it a bit. it never really worked.

 

seungkwan had a fair share of literary friends that only ever spoke pretentiously about shakespeare or some other western writer that he, respected but, never really understood the hype about. there was jeonghan, who had a phd in psychology and spent most of his time writing articles for one or the other franchise. jeonghan was the least pretentious of the group and maybe just a little bit cynical, to say the least. but seungkwan enjoyed his humour and weirdly deep jokes that made everyone at least a little uncomfortable. but that was jeonghan’s thing, making people feel just a little bit uncomfortable, making them think a little bit more than they wanted to. it's like jeonghan knew what you were thinking and when you were thinking it. in all honesty, it made seungkwan feel a little bit naked at times.

 

then there was wonwoo, seungkwan didn't like to call him pretentious, wonwoo was too smart for a word so condescending. but wonwoo really was the real-life version of most writers’ stereotypes, all wrapped in one. he wore the round glasses, the leather shoulder bag and far too many oversized sweaters. wonwoo spoke as if he was a character from some old korean novel, in metaphors and similes. not that seungkwan could really complain. wonwoo was the main reason that seungkwan's vocabulary was so broad. they'd known each other since the beginning of university. seeing as it was wonwoo's second time getting a degree he already knew his way around the university lifestyle. his influence, and never-ending book recommendation list had a positive impact on seungkwan's studies.

there was also junhui. junhui was a translator, not a writer but he worked in text types nevertheless, so it counted for something. junhui spoke a total of 7 languages. korean, chinese, japanese, english, spanish, french and sarcasm. junhui was the most laid back of the group, jeonghan was second, he often cracked jokes to help break wonwoo's overly serious exterior and threw innuendos at jeonghan whenever he had been having a hard day. junhui was a fresh breath of air whenever jeonghan was overworking himself or wonwoo was speaking like a wizard sending someone on a quest.

 

of course, seungkwan’s inner circle of writer friends was bigger than those three, for god’s sake, he was even a part of a little book club of unnecessarily fancy twenty-something-year-old graduates. it was comforting being surrounded by people who understood your lifestyle and were able to support your dreams and ambitions. it was comforting knowing that at least one of your friends had connections to a publisher or newspaper in need of a journalist.

 

however, seungkwan had to admit that sometimes it was a little hard keeping up with the ridiculous expectations placed on his shoulders, or the heavy conversations and boring parties he had to attend just to stay, well, relevant.

 

which shouldn't be a problem when you're a millionaire, international best-selling author.

to say that seungkwan was successful was more than an understatement. he had pitched his first book when he was merely twenty-three. it took twelve different publishers before he finally got someone who was willing to buy the book. seungkwan sold out stocks surprisingly fast and before he knew it, he had his second and third books, all out on the shelves of most local bookstores.

 

being a millionaire at twenty-seven wasn't exactly what seungkwan was planning on doing with his life, but he certainly wasn't complaining.

 

seungkwan wrote romance novels. not the weird cheesy ones you got at gas stations, or the ones with the photoshopped faces that you get for free with magazines. the real stories; the legit books. seungkwan was a romantic by the definition of the word. he loved anything to do with the idea of love, platonic or not. he loved writing about the slow progressions of relationships growing and developing to their fullest potential. he loved writing about cute dates and comforting confessions in the middle of the night when the characters aren't far from falling asleep. seungkwan's favourite stories were the ones where characters don't even realize that they're falling in love. the stories where the protagonist doesn't see the way that they're falling in love with the overly developed secondary character.

 

there was just one real problem however, seungkwan had never been in love before.

sure, he loved the idea of love. he loved the stories he wrote, and he loved figuring out his characters' emotions and feelings. he loved all of it, but he simply had never felt it. writing about being in love when you have never really felt it was oddly easy for seungkwan. sure, he didn't know how to be completely honest or able to include his own experiences in his stories, but he had read enough about others being in love. he'd heard enough about others being in love.

 

like jeonghan, for example. jeonghan had been happily married from the moment that seungkwan met him. jeonghan spoke critically and cynically of almost everything. jeonghan believed that society is corrupt and irresponsible, he believed that korea's mentality towards minorities of any kind was ridiculous and doomed from the start. he believed that most people were only ever interested in someone or something for their own gain and that there was no such thing as a perfect person.

 

that, however, doesn't include choi seungcheol.

jeonghan's not an idiot, he knows that his husband isn't perfect either but jeonghan likes to believe that he's the closest thing to the word. hearing jeonghan speak of seungcheol. of the dates the two had gone on in the past or the way that seungcheol always made jeonghan feel like he didn't have to put up walls or hide, hearing jeonghan speak of seungcheol gave seungkwan enough romantic inspiration to write a whole series of books.

 

another example, wonwoo. wonwoo was the only person seungkwan knew that could hold a straight face no matter the situation. wonwoo was soft-spoken and confusing. wonwoo was everything that his boyfriend mingyu wasn't. when seungkwan first met mingyu he was a little starstruck to say the least. mingyu was this, long legged, tan model who had just flown in from japan and seungkwan felt a little weak to the knees being in the presence of someone so close to godly. seungkwan soon learned that mingyu's personality was that of a hyperactive puppy on steroids. he was loud and funny and smiled so wide that it made seungkwan squint. wonwoo always kept to himself and never really spoke too much about mingyu when in groups. no one even knew they were dating when they first met mingyu. it wasn't until wonwoo had walked over and quietly tucked himself under mingyu's arm, all whilst mingyu casually continued his conversation with junhui. they were so casual and comfortable with one another and seungkwan had never seen wonwoo act so patiently and comfortably with another person. he was always so stiff and unimpressed. the first time that seungkwan had properly seen wonwoo laugh was when mingyu accidentally bumped into a basketball pole. wonwoo had chuckled softly at his boyfriend and proceeded to playfully scold his clumsiness. wonwoo and mingyu brought out the best in each other. mingyu's presence made wonwoo immediately more talkative and humorous while wonwoo's presence made mingyu more relaxed and sarcastic. they evened each other out perfectly and seungkwan admired it a lot more than was probably normal.

seungkwan admired and enjoyed the relationships his friends were in. even junhui and minghao who always seemed to be at arguing in chinese. but seungkwan would be lying if he said that he wasn't at least slightly envious of his friends. they were just so happy and content with their significant others that sometimes seungkwan literally yearned to have someone to himself. to have someone he really truly loved.

 

\---

 

seungkwan has always had a distinct love-hate relationship with being a writer. sure, it was fun working your own hours and being allowed to work from home, sure it was nice knowing that hundreds of people got to see your work, but it was also a pain in the ass. like days when he had to wake up at an ungodly hour and drag himself into the office just to sit one or the other stupid meeting.

luckily the pledis building had a coffee shop right beside the entrance meaning that, although seungkwan had to be there at 7 a.m. at least, he got his daily dose of sugary caffeine.

the coffee shop is a cosy place. he recognises some staff sitting, tapping away at their laptops. seungkwan smiles and bows to anyone who meets his eye as he makes his way to the line. there’s soft music playing over the radio, something familiar and nostalgic. must have been written by jihoon (sunbae). seungkwan always found jihoon's music to be comforting. the line isn't too long and there's someone in front of seungkwan who's wearing a kind of black and blue flannel over an orange shirt that peeks out near the bottom and what looks like rip-off gucci slides. the stranger has jet black hair and seungkwan can see him moving his head to whatever song it is that's playing through his headphones.

seungkwan's early. he's got a whole half hour before his meeting starts which means that he's got enough time for this coffee run and possibly a cinnamon roll.

 

the stranger in front of seungkwan steps up the register and seungkwan looks up, unintentionally eavesdropping on the conversation in front of him.

 

"ey josh! morning shift," seungkwan's eyes drift over to the 'stranger' only to realize that it's none other than the effortlessly odd chwe hansol. except for his usual strawberry blonde hair which is nowhere to be seen.

 

"morning vernon! and yeah, ‘min wanted us to work similar shifts so i made the sacrifice," joshua, as his name tag read in scruffy letters, replies.

 

seungkwan doesn't speak english, not really. he knows a couple of phrases that he picked up from travelling or from junhui whenever the elder spoke on the phone with international business partners. seungkwan doesn't know exactly what they're saying but some things stick out and make sense.

 

"ah i see, well just an iced black coffee with a vanilla pump please," vernon asks politely, smiling at joshua who nods and punches something into the register.

seungkwan can't believe he didn't recognize hansol. seungkwan continues to look at him while he speaks with joshua. somehow, the more seungkwan looks at him the less he misses the strawberry hair. the black was growing on him very quickly.

 

"uh sir?"

 

seungkwan quickly looks away from hansol and to joshua who's politely trying to get his attention, "you're next."

 

"oh,” seungkwan flushes "sorry."

 

joshua smiles a pretty beam and his eyes turn into little crescent moons as he dismisses seungkwan's apology and asks for his order. seungkwan orders the same thing he always orders. a chai iced tea. the drink is overly sweet and sometimes give seungkwan a toothache, but he loves it and doesn’t care much for the little pain it causes in the moment. joshua takes his money and gives seungkwan the appropriate amount of change and just like that, their interaction is over.

 

seungkwan shuffles quietly over to the area where everyone is waiting for their drinks. hansol is there and seungkwan must control himself from letting his eyes wander over to the american boy but he looks up and realizes hansol’s already looking at him. the eye contact is fast and unexpected and seungkwan’s too much of a natural social butterfly to not smile at him, so he does.

 

hansol smiles back, a much more subtle and soft smile than seungkwan’s wide grin.

“what brings you here so early?” hansol asks casually, being all relaxed and hansol like.

“oh well, i have a meeting with some sketch artist, we’re designing new covers,” seungkwan replies, shifting the bag on his shoulder into a more comfortable position.

 

“ah i see,” hansol says back.

 

seungkwan’s worried about silence. he’s never liked silence especially not awkward silence, so he speaks up again,

 

“do you come in this time every day?”

 

hansol nods a couple of times, “yeah pretty much, i like coming in early, so i can leave earlier but if it weren’t for this coffee shop i wouldn’t manage.”

 

seungkwan laughs softly and nods, “i don’t know how you manage in general. i don’t think i would be able to come in that early every day. i’d probably live and breathe caffeine.”

 

hansol sighs, “i already live and breathe caffeine.”

 

they both chuckle a bit. seungkwan’s standing close enough to hansol for their shoulders to brush as they both laugh. it's not really anything, nothing special.

 

“vernon?” one of the employees at the counter says and hansol’s head shoots up. he grins briefly at the worker as he walks over and thanks him before grabbing his drink.

 

“vernon?” seungkwan asks, he’s never heard hansol be referred to as vernon before.

hansol turns to look at seungkwan as he makes his way back to where seungkwan is standing,

“yeah that’s my english name, joshua must have written it on my cup instead of hansol.”

 

seungkwan nods, “i see, you’re half american right?”

 

“yeah, on my mom’s side, i was born in america as well,” hansol speaks, slowly sipping his coffee. it’s a small sip and he pulls away quickly as a grimace settles on his face, “it’s still too hot.”

 

seungkwan giggles, a soft and innocent giggle. like a little boy who’s been kissed on the cheek by a cute girl. seungkwan rarely giggles but he deems this an appropriate time.

 

“seungkwan?”

 

seungkwan halts his laughter at hansol and looks over to the counter to see the boy (same as the one who called out vernon’s drink, name tag with ‘seokmin’ written on it) holding his drink in hand as his eyes scan around. seungkwan walks over and accept the drink, thanking seokmin quietly before returning to hansol.

 

“what did you get?” hansol asks tentatively as they walk towards a table where there’s already a bag and coat on one of the seats and a dark grey laptop half open on the table.

 

“oh, a chai iced tea,” seungkwan answers, standing awkwardly to the side of hansol,

 

hansol looks up at him from where he’s seated himself, “you can sit if you want, if you have time”

 

seungkwan looks at his watch, he’s still got twenty minutes. and the walk to the meeting venue is like five minutes, so sitting with hansol for a while couldn’t be that bad, could it?

“yeah, thanks, i’ve got like twenty minutes. rather spend it here than go all the way up and be forced to make small talk with the accounting staff” seungkwan jokes, pulling out the seat across hansol and sitting down.

 

“understandable,” hansol says as he types something before completely shifting his attention to seungkwan, “they always make math jokes which i never understand”

seungkwan nods vigorously in agreement and hansol laughs yet again.

they talk for a while. first, about hansol’s change in hair color, to which seungkwan lets a compliment slip from his lips which hansol accepts quietly, turning ever so slightly pink. then about hansol’s music and how he’s helping jihoon write an ost for a new web drama called ‘a-teen’ but hansol makes seungkwan swear to secrecy about it and seungkwan can’t help but giggle softly, again, as they link pinkies like little kids. the conversation flows easily, more easily than seungkwan is used to. most people are still and awkward around him or only wanna talk about seungkwan’s writing. hansol was nothing like seungkwan’s prestigious literary friends but yet somehow, despite their differences, hansol had been the easiest person to talk to that seungkwan had ever met.

 

“hey, don’t you have a meeting? it’s almost half past,” hansol comments as he sips his final bit of coffee and looks at the watch on his wrist.

 

seungkwan frowns for a moment before it dawns on him, “my meeting! oh no!”

 

seungkwan rushes to his feet, quickly slipping his bag over his shoulder and chugging the last of his drink, “i’m so sorry for leaving like this!”

 

hansol chuckles, soft but deep, and it melts seungkwan’s insides and he knows he’s going to write about that feeling the moment he gets the chance, “it’s okay”

 

seungkwan smiles sheepishly and bows slightly before rushing out. seungkwan makes it to the meeting venue in a surprisingly fast three minutes and he sighs loudly as he falls into his seat.

 

“shit,” he thinks, “i didn’t get his number.”

 

\---

 

seungkwan has connections with pledis. lee jihoon (sunbae) being one of them. jihoon always joked that seungkwan was a pain in the ass but he knew deep down that he loved the writer who always managed to help him recover from his writer’s block. jihoon and seungkwan were practically equally poetic and overly emotional. although, jihoon did hide it better than seungkwan could ever hope to.

 

“seungkwan?” jihoon asks one sunday morning as they’re both seated in the studio. seungkwan tapping on his laptop and jihoon composing on the piano.

 

“yeah?” seungkwan says back, he makes no move to look up from his screen.

 

“this extract of yours, it’s very different,” jihoon mentions. seungkwan looks up this time though.

 

jihoon’s holding a printed-out chapter from the book seungkwan is currently working on which seungkwan had given to him upon request.

 

“what do you mean?” seungkwan asks, shifting his laptop to the side and joining jihoon in reading from one of the pages.

 

”you wrote this like two days ago right? how is it so pure? y’know i read your work all the time, i can tell when you’ve put a lot of revision into a work but this one? this is so different, it’s like you’re writing from the heart,” jihoon comments, “usually it takes you months to come to something this, well, true to the heart of someone who’s actually in love”

 

seungkwan frowns, a deep heavy frown. his lips even fall into a pout as he takes the papers from jihoon, “maybe i’ve just become a better writer. i have no memory of falling in love any time recently.”

 

jihoon hums, “i don’t know. but yeah, it’s good, the extract. you should help me with songwriting sometimes, if you can this clearly place your feelings into a paragraph i’m sure you can put it into a verse.”

 

seungkwan shakes his head, “you have vernon for that”

 

“vernon?” jihoon questions, an eyebrow raised “how do you know hansol’s english name. he doesn’t tell anyone that. he pretty often even lies about it”

 

seungkwan frowns again, this time even more deeply, “he told me, a couple of days ago. at the café downstairs. it didn’t seem like a big deal”

 

jihoon tuts, “hansol hansol hansol, what on earth is going on in your mind?”

 

“oh!” seungkwan exclaims, “speaking of hansol, do you perhaps have his number, i failed to ask him for it last time. i was in a rush”

 

seungkwan rubs the back of his neck sheepishly and jihoon looks like he was just told that his dog died.

 

“you want chwe hansol’s number? why? what are you planning?” jihoon questions and seungkwan laughs, raising his hands in defense.

 

“nothing. he’s just good company and i haven’t seen him since our last meeting. i’d like to talk to him again,” seungkwan explains but it doesn’t seem to faze jihoon.

 

suddenly there’s a knock on the door causing both seungkwan and jihoon to shift their attention, “jihoon hyung! i have the scores you asked for”

 

“speak of the devil,” jihoon mutters, “ask him yourself”

 

seungkwan goes to ask jihoon what he means but the elder opens the door to reveal a disheveled looking chwe hansol and seungkwan’s words go dry in his mouth.

 

“here’s the sheets, i printed all of mine as well, just in case y’know-“ hansol looks up and spots seungkwan who immediately straightens up, “oh! seungkwan! i didn’t see you there! how’s the book coming?”

jihoon tugs the papers from hansol’s hands and rolls his eyes at his dongsaeng’s inability to finish a sentence.

 

seungkwan gapes at hansol for a moment. he looks damn good. even in the shitty studio lights. hansol’s got on a dark green hoodie that looks black in the dim lighting, he’s wearing adidas sweatpants and some battered looking sneakers. seungkwan sees hansol’s mismatched socks poking out and smiles a little. he looks back up to meet the american boy’s eyes. he even allows himself to stare for a moment longer before clearing his throat.

 

“it’s, uh, going,” seungkwan chuckles. jihoon fake gags as he turns and rolls his eyes once again.

 

“i get the feeling, well good luck. i better get back to work,” hansol states, seungkwan notes the slight hesitancy in his voice.

 

jihoon shoots seungkwan a brief look, signaling to hansol and making a imaginary phone with his hands.

 

“uh! hansol!” seungkwan says suddenly, just as hansol’s about to close the door.

 

“yes?” he turns, his hood falling from his head.

 

“uh, can i have your number. i’d like to keep in touch,” seungkwan mumbles out awkwardly and jihoon looks just about ready to throw up.

 

“oh yeah sure! i meant to ask last time, but you were late and i didn’t wanna hold you up any longer,” hansol reenters the room this time and seungkwan exhales deeply in relief as he hands hansol his phone.

 

when hansol leaves he shoots them a smile as he closes the door behind him and seungkwan feels his chest go unusually tight.

 

“god that was disgusting. are you sure you didn’t maybe fall in love with hansol?” jihoon grunts out, sitting back down at his piano.

 

seungkwan doesn’t answer.

 

\---

 

seungkwan taps his foot impatiently. where on earth is jeonghan? the one-day seungkwan needs jeonghan to pick him up and suddenly the elder has disappeared off of the face of the earth. instinctively, seungkwan dials the number again. but, not to his surprise, jeonghan once again doesn’t pick up. seungkwan’s apartment is at least a thirty minute walk away, which really isn’t that bad, but it’s already 9 p.m.. he sighs, his breath crystalizing in the winter air. maybe it was worth trying to call seungcheol.

it rings once, then once again and then-

 

“oh my god seungkwan, i’m ignoring your calls for a reason!”

 

it’s jeonghan on the other end of the call, not seungcheol like seungkwan was expecting. jeonghan breathes in suddenly before a moan leaves his lips and seungkwan cringes on the other end.

 

“we’re a bit,” jeonghan groans “busy.”

 

seungkwan yelps, “okay okay sorry! bye!” he ends the call quickly and breathes out in relief that it’s over.

 

“everything okay?”

 

seungkwan turns his head to identify the owner of the new voice, granting it to be hansol. who’s standing in the doorway right behind seungkwan.

 

“sorry to eavesdrop but you seemed very desperate to end that call,” hansol chuckles, stuffing his hands into his sweatpants pockets as he stands next to seungkwan.

 

“yeah well, i seemed to have called two of my friends while they were a little bit busy with some rather, intimate activities,” seungkwan explains, trying his best not to think too much about what he had just ‘walked in on.’

 

“say no more,” hansol nods,

 

they stand there together for a moment. although seungkwan was hating it earlier, the weather no longer feels as unbearable. it’s almost as if he feels a little bit warmer. maybe mother nature had mercy on him.

 

“do you need a ride?”

 

and for a moment seungkwan feels as if he’s just been saved from the dark winter’s night by some angel. some very dorky looking, sweatpants wearing angel. hansol may not be as stereotypically angelic looking as, jeonghan, per say, (who may look like an angel but had the heart of a devil) but he still seemed pretty, out of this world. pretty and out of this world, two separate things. because seungkwan would be damned if he didn’t admit that hansol really was pretty. a weirdly beautiful combination of delicate and rough looking.

 

“oh” seungkwan's cheeks flush, he blames it on the cold, “kinda. i don’t really wanna ask my occupied friend again”

 

hansol laughs, an airy, beautiful laugh and seungkwan gulps, “c’mon i’ll take you home.”

 

hansol’s presence is anything but uncomfortable. he’s so comfortable, he’s kind and funny and he knows when and where to make the right joke. hansol’s the easiest person to talk to and yet seungkwan finds his hands to be clammy and his breath always to be a bit short. two signs which, definitely, should not be arising.

 

“you can drop your stuff in the backseat,” hansol comments as they walk up to a grey jeep wrangler. not the car he was imagining hansol to have but to be perfectly honest he didn’t truly know what to expect. seungkwan feels that way a lot with hansol. he follows hansol’s suggestion and drops his book bag and backpack on the backseat behind the passenger’s side. when seungkwan gets in the car hansol's sitting in his own seat, typing at his phone.

 

“do you wanna punch in your address or just give me directions?” hansol waves the phone a little bit, google maps open on the screen.

 

“uh, directions should be fine, it’s not too far away from here. just walking takes forever,” seungkwan explains and hansol nods, putting his phone away.

 

the car starts up and seungkwan smiles as the radio turns on automatically. hansol suddenly flinches as a song starts to play and moves to press the eject button on the music player,

 

“sorry, that’s an ep i'm working on. it’s really rough i'm sure you don’t wanna hear that-“

 

“play it,” seungkwan interrupts before he can stop himself, “is it your ep?”

 

hansol nods gingerly, “i’ve been working on some ideas for a while. i don’t plan on publishing it or anything, but it’s nice to work on my own music for a change,” hansol pushes the cd back in and lets the first song play.

 

it’s not too loud, not too quiet either. seungkwan likes it so far. the song reminds him vaguely of jihoon’s style. but hansol’s clearly made a lot of things differently from jihoon. seungkwan’s no music expert but he knows enough to know that hansol’s music is good. it’s seungkwan’s style as well, almost low-fi but still uplifting with a good vocal line. except it doesn’t quiet sound like hansol’s voice.

 

“is that you singing?” seungkwan asks and hansol chuckles.

 

“nah, i don’t sing. this is a song i did with a friend of mine, joshua. he sings,” hansol explains as seungkwan tells him to take a left.

 

“i see.”

 

seungkwan proceeds to help guide hansol towards his apartment. the drive ends up feeling a lot shorter than usual and surprisingly they arrive in only fifteen minutes. hansol parks the jeep in the apartment complex parking lot before he turns the car off.

 

“we’ve arrived,” seungkwan states. his voice almost empty, he feels almost upset that it’s over so soon, “thanks for the ride.”

 

hansol nods and smiles, “anytime, also uh, what you up to tomorrow? i wanted to try out this new american grill place and i don’t really wanna go alone. do you maybe wanna come?”

 

seungkwan frowns and it scares hansol a little bit, “really?”

 

“of course,” hansol nods, “i’d like to get to know you better.”

 

seungkwan nods and smiles after a moment, he really didn’t have anything planned and for some reason the thought of getting to spend the day with just hansol excites him a lot more than it should. he feels like a little kid getting told that he can have ice cream for breakfast.

“i’d love to. i’ll text you later,” seungkwan grins before thanking hansol again and getting out of the car.

 

he watches hansol’s jeep drive away as his fingers clutch onto his backpack straps, a big smile stuck on his face.

 

\---

 

seungkwan never really liked international foods that much. not that he had anything against them but rather than he preferred home grown korean food over foods of other countries. even the odd bit of japanese sushi was a stretch for seungkwan’s likes. but nothing, not his peculiar and probably racist taste in food, would stop him from going out to this place with his new american friend. even if it was an american place.

 

hansol and him had agreed, over text the previous night, that hansol would drop by seungkwan’s place around lunch time. which in seungkwan’s opinion was not a straightforward enough time so he didn’t really know when to get ready. thus, seungkwan sat in his, way too empty, living room looking through his phone impatiently. which was slightly unfair, he didn’t really have the right to be impatient with someone who’s about to take him out. and besides, they hadn’t agreed on a set time to be meeting.

 

seungkwan was slightly nervous, once again something out of the ordinary. he was never nervous to hang out with anyone, especially not someone who’s in a totally different social space to him. and hansol was pure and genuine and clearly a good guy. maybe that’s what made seungkwan nervous, knowing that there’s nothing to be nervous about which doesn’t happen often. seungkwan stays seated on his barely used couch and melts into the pillows a bit as he thinks some more about hansol. usually, as a writer, seungkwan saw people as characters in a story (which could be taken rudely but that’s not how he intended it) and more often than never seungkwan was able to understand the characters around him, he was able to pick them apart at least a little and read them a little. of course, he was no yoon jeonghan, but, he wasn’t too bad at it. hansol however, he was so different. it felt as if something was clouding seungkwan’s judgement and vision of the half american boy. something beyond him, something he couldn’t control, or understand.

 

seungkwan sighs softly, hands covering his eyes as he rubs them a little, as if it were to help him see things more clearly. it doesn’t. just as seungkwan wants to reach for his phone again the doorbell rings. it’s almost a new sound to seungkwan. jeonghan has a key and people rarely come by during the day. it must be hansol.

 

seungkwan shoots up, phone discarded on the couch. his legs move faster than his mind and he swings the door open.

 

“hi.”

 

the smile falls from seungkwan’s face as he’s met with jeonghan’s droning voice. jeonghan proceeds to push past him and into seungkwan’s apartment.

 

“what are you doing here?” seungkwan hissed as he closes the door, jeonghan comments about how that’s ‘no way to talk to your hyung’. seungkwan joins him in the living room where jeonghan has taken over the couch. one of his legs is draped over the back of the headboard and his hand occupied by seungkwan’s phone.

 

“give that to me,” seungkwan instructs, hand extended towards jeonghan.

 

“nope,” jeonghan says as he punches in seungkwan’s passcode and the phone opens to his conversation from the night before with hansol, “ohh.”

 

seungkwan already wants to throw himself off a cliff, “none of your business.”

 

“no, this involves a boy with emojis next to his contact name so it is my business,” jeonghan comments as he scrolls through their messages even more.

 

“jeonghan-hyung that’s private,” seungkwan whines loudly, reaching to try and grab the phone from his persistently annoying hyung.

 

“private my ass, this conversation is so dry,” jeonghan complains, tossing the phone back to seungkwan in defeat, seungkwan accepts the phone gratefully and carefully secures it in his back pocket.

 

“please leave, or don’t, i don’t care, i’m going out. just don’t do,” seungkwan pauses, “dirty things with seungcheol hyung on my couch”

 

“no promises,” a moment of silence passes between them,, “tell me about this hansol boy”

seungkwan’s cheeks light up slightly, he doesn’t realize it at first, but jeonghan’s lingering eyes indicate it, “he’s a musician, works with jihoon-hyung.”

 

jeonghan hums, as if to tell seungkwan to continue, “he’s my age, a month younger or so. and he invited me to this american grill place today”

 

“and you agreed?” jeonghan questions, sitting up, “you hate food that isn’t korean”

 

“hate is a strong word jeonghan-ssi,” seungkwan mutters, head low, as he twiddles with the collar of his shirt.

 

“sure,” jeonghan seems awfully smug, he’s doing his little eye roll and his eyebrow quirks up, just on the left side though. that means he knows something, jeonghan’s already psychoanalyzed seungkwan, he probably knows more about seungkwan right now that seungkwan does himself. the jeju boy scolds himself, he shouldn’t have given that much away.

 

he wants to speak up, comment about how none of this means anything and jeonghan shouldn’t jump to conclusions but the bell rings again and seungkwan’s voice gets stuck in his throat.

 

seungkwan’s frozen for a moment longer, he doesn’t realize what’s happening until he notices jeonghan has left the room and oh, fuck no, he can’t meet hansol.

 

to say the least, hansol is pretty surprised by an, at least thirty year-old, man with light brown hair and large round spectacles answering the door instead of his same aged blonde-haired friend.

 

“hello, i’m hansol. i’m here for seungkwan. is he in?” hansol’s heart lurches, maybe he has the wrong apartment. this brunette man doesn’t seem too impressed with him and he’s sweating at the palms a little bit.

 

“yeah!” seungkwan pushes jeonghan out of the way and smiles at hansol who’s still standing in the door frame, “right here.”

 

hansol’s sweaty palms dry right there and his smile brightens, the way it usually does when he and seungkwan meet eyes. seungkwan’s own grin is pretty wide, not enough to show his teeth but enough to make his eyes scrunch up a little. they look at each other for a moment, hansol’s dressed nicely, in a perfectly hansol way. his hair is platinum silver now, seungkwan loves it a little more every second that he looks at it. he’s wearing a simple white t-shirt with black pants and some sneakers. his sunglasses are on, the type that reflect your face back to you.

 

“very american style,” jeonghan mutters and seungkwan laughs softly, elbowing his hyung in the stomach.

 

“don’t mind him he’s almost 50 and spent his youth doing a psychology degree and is now unable to connect emotionally with anyone younger than him, let’s go,” seungkwan explains, receiving a little laugh from hansol in return while jeonghan rolls his eyes.

 

“don’t eat all my food!” seungkwan says as he closes the door in jeonghan’s face and steps outside, suddenly a lot closer to vernon than before.

 

they’re face to face, seungkwan doesn’t think he’s ever stood this close to someone before, he doesn’t know whether to move or not so he lets hansol make the first move. this feels an awful lot like chess, which seungkwan doesn’t really know how to play.

hansol backs away first, moving to the side and signaling with his hand for seungkwan to lead the way to the car, which he does.

 

checkmate.

 

\---

 

the american grill place isn’t too far from seungkwan’s complex, surprisingly. a part of seungkwan wanted the drive to last a little longer, hoping that maybe they could talk just a moment more. then again, seungkwan noted, they had all day after all.

 

“here we are.”

 

the place isn’t that big, but it clearly had a good budget. very american style indeed. it was just after 1 p.m., and the place wasn’t too packed. at least that’s what the parking lot indicated to seungkwan. he looks around the area, there are multiple different other restaurants in the area, this one stands out, though. with its bright red logo, the letters are far from elegant and seungkwan can’t really make too much out as to its name, he’s not fluent enough in english to do so. it seems homey on the inside from where seungkwan can see. maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

 

“hey, you okay?” hansol queries quietly, hand reaching out to seungkwan’s but pulls back before they make contact. seungkwan pretends he didn’t notice.

 

“oh, yeah. sorry, i was just spacing out,” seungkwan smiles, “it happens a lot when you’re a writer, everything turns into a story in your mind”

 

“oh, i know that all too well,” hansol laughed. another soft breathy laugh, seungkwan realizes that hansol’s laugh is very refreshing and one he enjoys hearing. although he doesn’t exactly know why.  

 

they leave hansol's car and make a beeline towards the front entrance of the restaurant. as hansol opens the door for seungkwan and he steps inside, the smell of grilled meat and onions fills seungkwan's nose. he exhales happily, it smells really good.

 

“good afternoon sirs!”

 

seungkwan looks to his side where there’s an employee standing, some menus in hand, as she greets them brightly.

 

“good afternoon,” seungkwan greets back, sending a pretty smile her way.

 

“table for two?” she asks and they both nod before she leads them to an area where there are some empty tables.

 

vernon chooses one close by the window. he chooses one of the booths as well, which seungkwan was really hoping to sit in, they look super comfortable after all, who wouldn’t want to sit there.

 

seungkwan slides in the one side, moving all the way till he was up against the window, looking outside. he hears hansol giggle as he also slides in, opposite to seungkwan.

“hm?” seungkwan muses, raising an eyebrow at the giddy looking boy.

 

“sorry, it’s just cute. you’re cute,” hansol says easily, as if the words aren’t heavy on his tongue.

 

seungkwan looks momentarily lost. like he doesn’t know what to say, hansol laughs again. seungkwan exhales.

 

“sorry, was that a bit much?” his tone is awkward, it’s not usually awkward, seungkwan doesn’t like it.

 

“no!” his answer is far too quick, but it’s too late now, “thank you. you’re cute too.”

 

hansol exhales softly, the awkwardness leaving him. seungkwan smiles. they order their food not too long after. the waitress from earlier returns, “sarah,” as her name tag read.

 

hansol orders for both of them after seungkwan proceeds to stare at the menu for about five minutes not seeming to process the information on it, he seems to know the menu a lot better anyways. sarah takes their order before bowing and making her way back over to the kitchen area.

 

“so, tell me about america,” seungkwan says brightly, resting his hands on his palms. hansol looks momentarily confused, as if he forgets that he’s american.

 

“oh right, well i haven’t been in a while, it’s a lot like korea, just not as clean. and people are nowhere near as polite. to be honest, i’m a lot more korean than i am american. well not biologically of course, but you know, culturally. i grew up here, i speak korean a lot better than english and to be perfectly honest, i’ve never really liked america that much. not that i don’t miss it, i just, like korea,” hansol trails off, “sorry for the uh, ranting”

 

seungkwan laughs, shaking his head and his hands, “hansol-ah, i rant all the time, it’s perfectly okay. i like hearing you talk.”

 

“i, uh,” hansol swallows but smiles right after, “thank you. but tell me about jeju, i’m sure you’ve got plenty of interesting stories.”

 

seungkwan pretends to think for a moment, “well~”

 

and then he talks, he talks about his mother and his sisters and how they used to always bully him about his love for tangerines. he tells hansol about the time he got a summer job picking tangerines and about the cute girl he met while doing it and how he dropped a bucket full of them onto her because he was nervous. he tells hansol about all the useless household hacks his mother thought him and about the time that he stood up against a boy two times bigger than him when he was picking on his sister. (seungkwan got his ass beat, but it was worth it, seeing jinseol stop crying) and hansol shares stories about his sister too. little hangyeol who loved piggy back rides and doing makeup on her older brother. it’s all little irrelevant stories, stories that probably don’t mean much but seungkwan’s never felt closer to anyone. hansol makes him feel like for once the stories he’s telling are simply casual, and don’t weigh a heavy weight. seungkwan feels like he can talk about anything and hansol will listen.

 

\--

 

seungkwan hates having to be in the studio with jihoon sometimes. it’s not really jihoon’s fault, most of the time at least. jihoon is lovely, he’s quiet but lets seungkwan talk, he has a lot more patience than most people do and he makes great music. but jihoon is also a human boiler and is always overheating, meaning that he likes to wear a lot of thin clothes and set the air condition really high. seungkwan has a great tolerance to weather, jeju prepared him well, but seungkwan hates the cold, more specifically, he hates being cold.

 

“yah jihoonie hyung~” seungkwan starts, drawing out the last couple of syllables, “seungkwannie is cold”

 

“i’ll throw my keyboard at you,” jihoon mutters back, not even turning to acknowledge seungkwan.

 

“no you wouldn’t,” seungkwan states matter-of-factly, “you love the keyboard way too much.”

 

“true. go get a sweater.”

 

seungkwan huffs loudly, “but the lockers are so far away~”

 

“seungkwan you know that does nothing to me,” jihoon deadpans and rolls his chair over to the door, opening it, “now go.”

 

seungkwan doesn’t always let jihoon boss him around, if it were any other day or time then seungkwan wouldn’t have listened to him and kept whining until jihoon agreed to up the air conditioning. but the lockers are very close to chwe hansol’s studio so maybe a trip there wouldn’t be all that bad.

 

“fine, this is why soonyoung hyung is always wearing 9 layers isn’t it,” seungkwan mutters as he leaves the room, grabbing his wallet and phone before he goes.

 

seungkwan walks over to the vending machine first, it’s close to jihoon’s room and seungkwan appreciated the proximity, makes fulfilling his cravings a lot easier. he gets some tteokbokki crackers for himself and some honey butter chips for hansol because he remembers hansol once mentioning it to him that he liked them once when they went to see a film together.

 

hansol’s studio is 4 doors down from jihoon’s. there’s a little plaque on the door. it reads “chwenotchew,” and seungkwan loves it. very subtle but clever, just like hansol. he knocks twice, just loud enough so that hansol would hear but not too loud that it would startle hansol on the other side. seungkwan rocks back and forth on the ball of his feet as he waits for hansol to come open the door. luckily, hansol isn’t too into his music and opens the door a couple seconds later, a pleasant look on his face.

 

“seungkwan,” he greets, “good timing.”

 

seungkwan grins at him, “thinking about me?”

 

hansol rolls his eyes but steps to the side, letting seungkwan walk into the studio, “aren’t i always?”

 

this time it’s seungkwan that rolls his eyes, “well you wouldn’t be the first person. but anyway, i brought you a snack, god knows the last time you ate today.”

 

hansol pulls his lips into a thin line and they point downwards a bit, “right, mom.”

 

seungkwan visibly cringes at the name, pulling his shoulders up and scowling, “do not call me mom. it’s weird and i’m not into that.”

 

hansol just laughs in return, accepting the chips from seungkwan’s hands, “you know i like these?”

seungkwan nods, “i do listen you know, it may be hard to believe but i’m actually very attentive.”

 

hansol nods, “yeah okay.”

 

“hey stop making fun of me or i’ll steal one of those blankets,” seungkwan prods a finger against hansol's chest and wiggles it around a little bit as the taller boy sticks his tongue out at seungkwan, ignoring his comment as he sits back in his chair.

 

“no really, i might,” seungkwan states, voice suddenly dramatically serious, “this building is really freaking cold and jihoon has the air conditioning on as well, i was just on my way to my locker to go see if i have a sweater.”

 

hansol glances at seungkwan, taking note of his cute short sleeved button up and dress trousers, “here,” he bends over and grabs a sweater from inside his backpack and tosses it to seungkwan.

 

“huh?” seungkwan looks down at the item of clothing in his hands and frowns, “but my locker,”

 

“is all the way downstairs” he interrupts “and you look like you’re actually shivering. you can borrow the sweater, i don’t mind, it’s clean i promise,” hansol says as he pops another chip into his mouth, “i know how cold jihoon’s studio can get.”

 

seungkwan stares at the sweater for a moment longer. it’s light grey and looks a little like its been thoroughly washed out multiple times, it’s got ‘nebraska’ written across the front in red letters, seungkwan doesn’t know what that means but it doesn’t really matter. the material is good quality, it’s soft under his fingers and the inside is even fluffier. he weighs his options, he could just go to his locker and maybe have a sweater to wear (which is probably old and dirty) or he could just take hansol’s sweater right now.

 

“okay, but just because i’m lazy.”

 

so seungkwan wore the sweater, and he spoke with hansol for a moment more before jihoon texted him and told him to get some drinks and come back to the studio. so seungkwan leaves, sweater and all, feeling more than comfortable in the oversized sweatshirt than he would like to admit. he buys jihoon some coffee and returns to the studio, placing it down next to his hyung before retreating into his little corner.

“that’s disgusting,” jihoon says suddenly, seungkwan frowns.

 

“that’s the coffee you always get?”

 

“not that,” jihoon rolls his eyes, “you’re wearing hansol’s clothes. i don’t even wear soonyoung’s clothes.”

 

seungkwan doesn’t entirely know what soonyoung has to do with any of this. soonyoung is jihoon’s boyfriend, hansol is seungkwan’s friend. he doesn’t read into the correlation too much. nothing jihoon can say can get to seungkwan when he’s this content.

 

\---

 

seungkwan hates cooking, not because he’s bad, because he isn’t. he’s plenty good, having grown up with two sisters and a mother who could cook just about any meal ever, seungkwan had picked up plenty of tricks and tips from them as he matured.

 

seungkwan knew how to cook, he just didn’t like cooking. it was way too much effort for way too little gain, and the kitchen was always a mess afterwards. but when hansol asked him if seungkwan could help teach him how to make kimchi pancakes, honeycomb toffee and japchae to help impress his parents, seungkwan had to agree. well, he didn’t have to, but he adores hansol and any ways, seungkwan had wanted an excuse to spend some more time with him (and maybe spend the night).

 

they cook at hansol’s apartment, because that’s where hansol’s parents will be coming to, and he wants to have everything prepared beforehand. hansol’s apartment is clean and tidy, unlike his studio. it’s a big two bedroom, one bath. it’s cozy and everything is close to each other. seungkwan almost prefers it over his massive place, his place always felt so lonely and empty. but hansol’s apartment felt lived in, it was so hansol as well. the apartment was a weird blend of bright minimalism and sophisticated monochrome. his kitchen was clean cut and mainly black and white while the rest of the apartment was bright, blankets and pillows decorating the couch, a super comfortable looking beanbag on the floor and a crap ton of xbox games spread out across the floor in front of the tv. it was enough, not too much, just enough. it suited hansol perfectly.

 

“i didn’t know you play zelda” seungkwan comments as hansol hangs up his coat and puts his shoes to the side.

 

“of course! okay, so my parents are here tomorrow at two so i guess we should start prepping?” hansol asks, entirely unsure of how much time it’ll take to complete the dishes.

 

seungkwan nods, “well, it’s best if we make the kimchi pancakes and toffee tonight and then we can make the japchae tomorrow instead, it’s served best when hot of course.”

 

hansol nods along with the explanation as best he can before placing the grocery bags down on the kitchen counter, “well, you’re in charge here, so.”

 

seungkwan places all the ingredients out on the kitchen table, looking over them to make sure he has enough, and then in return asking hansol to take out any pans and cutlery they’ll need.

 

they start with the kimchi pancakes, seungkwan asks hansol to chop up the kimchi he brought while he prepares the rest of the mixture. the proximity is intense. seungkwan is standing right next to hansol and occasionally he feels hansols arm bump into his or he can hear the soft curses that hansol mutters under his breath because he seems to be awfully new at chopping. seungkwan doesn’t know what he’s feeling, he doesn’t know why their closeness feels like it’s suffocating him. he’s never felt this way before. he’s never at a loss for words but right now, next to hansol, he suddenly doesn’t feel the need for them.

 

“boo, i don’t think im doing this right,” hansol mutters, his voice uneasy as he removed the knife from the kimchi.

 

“no, no, no! you’re doing good, just keep going, you want them to be a little smaller so the pancakes aren’t chunk, look here,” seungkwan says reassuringly before placing his hand over hansol’s which is holding the knife, “just take your other hand,” seungkwan takes vernon’s left hand into his own and places it onto the top of the knife, “and place it there, it’ll make your chopping a little more controlled.”

 

seungkwan starts moving hansol’s hand up and down, slowly chopping the kimchi further, “there we go, a little more pressure.”

 

hansol listens as he lets seungkwan’s hands guide him to, seemingly completely unfazed by seungkwan’s chest pressed to his back, and seungkwan’s head perched on his shoulder.

 

seungkwan nods when hansol seems to get a hang of the chopping and releases his hold on the younger boy’s hands. “you’re good, it’s good, looking good,” he stutters out awkwardly before returning to mixing the pancake batter.

 

“thank you, seungkwan,” hansol smiles, grinning down at the kimchi as he picks up the pace with his chopping.

 

seungkwan gulps, his heart stills for a moment, he swears it does, or maybe it picks up pace just like hansol’s chopping, seungkwan doesn’t know exactly what’s happening but it feels all too new, all to exhilarating. all too _hansol_.

 

\---

 

it’s two weeks after the cooking ‘incident,” as seungkwan calls it in his head, when he finally gives in and decides to talk to someone about that night. originally, seungkwan was going to go to jihoon, as he’s the closest to seungkwan’s heart. he’s always there when seungkwan doesn’t know what his emotions are. but jihoon is a different person concerning soonyoung. jihoon loses his smooth talk and easy explanations when talking about soonyoung. soonyoung literally took jihoons breath away. asking jihoon about _soonyoung_ would be too much.

 

then, he considers mingyu. but _mingyu’s_ too much. he’s always been too much concerning wonwoo. wonwoo is his everything. his home, his love, his life. mingyu has loved wonwoo forever, apparently. seungkwan think’s it’ll scare him too much, or he’ll over-analyze his own feelings.

 

so he opts for jeonghan, mr ‘this world has a false representation of love.” jeonghan is cynical, yes. he was skeptical of everything and doubted people’s motives. but jeonghan loved seungcheol with his whole heart, and jeonghan knows seungkwan. he’ll say the right things. seungkwan knows he will.  

 

“jeonghan hyung,” seungkwan calls, jeonghan simply groans in return.

 

“how did you know that you had feelings for seungcheol hyung?” he asks, jeonghan sits up from the couch in interest.

 

“is this about american style?” jeonghan queries.

 

“don’t deflect,” seungkwan retorts.

 

a moment passes between them as jeonghan takes a moment to study seungkwan. seungkwan lets him.

 

“when he stepped on my foot.”

 

so maybe jeonghan wont say the right things, seungkwan thinks as he sends jeonghan a questioning stare.

 

“we were in eleventh grade. we had to practice this stupid dance thing and seungcheol was my partner because we were the only two who didn’t pick a girl. he looked stupid nervous, he didn’t know how to slow dance, clearly, but he tried. he even tried leading and he had this stupid apologetic look on his face before we even started. he looked so,” jeonghan breathes out, “so pure, so young. he was so… seungcheol, you know? he kept glancing at his feet and he held my hand so gently, as if he was afraid i’d break. and then, just as i thought we were going good, he stepped on my foot, and i obviously reacted, it wasn’t that bad but it did hurt a bit.”

 

jeonghan chuckles deeply as his eyes shine with reminisce, “and he dropped to my feet and apologized like a hundred times, asking if i was okay and he even convinced the instructor that we should go to the nurse just in case. i told him i was okay and that it’s alright, but he felt so bad. he offered to buy me lunch for a week.”

 

seungkwan leans forward in interest, “and?”

 

“i said that he can buy me lunch as long as he eats with me too.”

 

seungkwan smiles softly, such a jeonghan move.

  
“love isn’t sudden seungkwan. sometimes it’s the realization that is. seungcheol was my friend before he stepped on my foot. we’ve always been friends. i’ve spent my whole life believing that the world is corrupt and that humans aren’t redeemable. but seungcheol, he’s always given me hope. and that day when he stepped on my foot and grinned at me sheepishly showing off those goddamn, stupid dimples. i knew, that no one else in the whole world would ever make me feel the way he does,” jeonghan smiles at seungkwan, almost knowingly.

 

they both sit again for a moment, seungkwan breathing in the story and jeonghan letting him think. jeonghan always let him think.

 

“so, is this about american style?”

 

hansol flashes through seungkwan’s mind, all their interactions play in his mind at the same time and he feels hansol against him for a split second. he’s never felt that before.

 

“yes.”

 

\---

 

the sudden realisation that seungkwan's feelings left him unknowingly distant. he didn’t mean to separate himself from hansol but the feeling of being close was far more frightening. seungkwan had known hansol for almost a year now but it still felt like his relationship with the producer was all too new. seungkwan had never harboured feelings this strong for anyone before. he’s dated people and he’s had plenty of crushes, but he’s never felt like this for anyone. he doesn’t want to say he’s in love, that would be a step too far. but it’s more than a silly crush, that's all that seungkwan can be sure of.

 

so seungkwan seethes quietly at himself as he aimlessly flicks through tv channels in hope for a distraction. he knows deep down that he should just talk to hansol. even if it’s not about this, he just needs to have his friend back in his life. it’s been almost two weeks now and the minimal conversation and overly conscious effort to avoid hansol has been absolutely torturous and yet relieving at the same time. seungkwan feared that he wasn’t in love with hansol as he thought he was, he was afraid that hansol was just a romanization of his miniscule feelings that seungkwan had subconsciously enlarged because of the absolute ridiculous amount of stories he's heard (and written) about what love is supposed to be like. he didn’t want to talk to hansol because he was afraid of confirming his theory.

 

“what am i doing?” seungkwan sighs, turning the tv off.

 

he looks down at himself, what to do? he couldn’t avoid hansol forever.

 

_ding dong!_

 

seungkwan frowns, what on earth? who’s showing up at his door at 7 p.m. on a friday night? so seungkwan waddles over to the front door after yelling a quiet “coming!”. come to think of it, it’s probably jeonghan, he’s been sensing seungkwan’s uneasiness since their talk.

 

seungkwan opens the door and smiles up at, oh no, that’s not jeonghan.

 

“hansol-ah,” seungkwan breathes.

 

hansol smiles at him, his one little half dimple appearing for a moment, “seungkwan.”

 

hansol looks good like this, he always looks good though. but right now, standing in the dimly lit street with that champion hoodie on and his hair, his stupid mop of blonde hair that’s slowly starting to turn brown again at the roots, is handing in his face, occasionally being swept up by the wind. seungkwan likes the blonde, but he misses the strawberry blonde that it was when they first met.

 

“i brought chicken,” hansol says, holding up a white plastic bag, “thought we could talk. haven’t seen you in a while.”

 

seungkwan swallows, calms his heart and licks his lips before nodding, letting hansol step into his apartment. hansol takes off his shoes and jacket, handing seungkwan the bag of chicken, he can see that there’s marinated and fried inside. hansol knows him all too well.

 

“you haven’t been in the office too much lately,” hansol comments as they’re plating up their food, both seated shoulder to shoulder on the floor by seungkwan’s coffee table. the tv is on again, some random drama playing as background noise.

 

“i work better at home sometimes,” seungkwan mutters, it’s a sad excuse but it’s all he’s got.

 

“you’ve been avoiding me,” hansol replies, taking a sip of sprite. seungkwan’s mouth falls open and he looks away shamefully, “it’s okay seungkwan. i figured you needed some time, but i missed you so i did something about it.”

 

seungkwan nods yet again, mouth too dry to speak, that and he’s afraid of what he’ll say.

 

“i spoke to jihoon hyung, who’s just as clueless as me. he misses you too. then i spoke to your friend, jeonghan,” hansol explains further, “i hope you don’t mind but i got worried and he seemed like the best person to talk to. said you needed some time to think about some stuff going on in your personal life. i figured that, well maybe, i could be part of that, if i wasn’t already.”

 

seungkwan breathes in, confused, “what do you mean?”

 

hansol chuckles, “it speaks. but i just meant, you know, i thought we were close you know? i was hoping that you’d talk to me about what’s troubling you. i know i'm not the best person for advice but, i do care about you, i really care about you and if something is on your mind and you need to talk to someone, you know, i’m here.”

 

seungkwans eyes feel glassy and he clears his throat, “hansol.”

 

hansol looks at him, biting his lip nervously, “was that too much?”

 

seungkwan laughs, a tear slipping from his eye. god this was new, “no, no it was perfect, thank you.”

 

“so maybe you wanna talk about it? if not that’s okay, i just want to be here with you, around you. i really did miss you,” hansol mumbles, playing around with his chopsticks.

 

seungkwan looks at him, really looks at him. looks at his stupid pretty hazel eyes and how he’s nervously glancing around seungkwan’s apartment, he looks at hansol’s calloused hands, tips of his fingers hard from playing guitar. he looks at hansol’s pretty bleached hair and how he blows it from his eyes.

 

“you’re not wearing a beanie,” seungkwan comments, “you always wear beanies.”

 

hansol flushes, his cheeks turning a pretty pink, “well, i mean, you always said you liked my hair when you could see it and i thought that—”

 

“you wore your hair normally for me?” seungkwan laughs quietly, eyes shining again.

 

“well, i mean, yeah,” hansol nods, admitting it fully, proudly smiling.

 

“i haven't been around because i’ve been emotionally confused for a little while,” seungkwan admits, breathing heavily out of his nose, “you know i’ve written plenty of love stories but i’ve never really been in love, or even liked someone enough to do much about it.”

 

“but recently, i think that’s changed, i know that’s changed and i needed some time to come to terms with it all. it’s so new to me, the feeling of being in love.”

 

“it’s good isn’t it,” hansol beamed brightly, “i mean you find someone that just always feels right, that makes you feel right. it’s good.”

 

“you’re in love,” seungkwan chews on the inside of his cheek.

  
“well, i mean, love is a strong word, but i’ve had really strong feelings for someone for a while and i mean it feels right, he feels right, and i think i love him,” hansol explains, eyes twinkling.

  
“oh,” seungkwan pulls his lips into a thin line.

 

“let’s eat, the food’s getting cold,” hansol suddenly announces, passing seungkwan some chopsticks.

 

so they do. and seungkwan lets hansol's words simmer in his mind for a bit. hansol loves someone too, someone who probably isn’t him. but it it a him. and somehow seungkwan feels like thats enough progress for tonight.

 

they eat, and talk, talk a lot. they’ve had two weeks and hansol’s got stories, seungkwan’s got time to listen. usually it’s seungkwan that does the majority of the talking but it feels good letting hansol just speak for a bit. three hours later, they’re both full and happily lounging on seungkwan’s couch as they watch an american show that hansol's sister recommended.

 

hansol has his arm around the back of the couch, seungkwan happily resting against his body, head in the crook of hansol’s neck. it’s comfortable, it’s domestic and it’s so them. seungkwan’s always been one for skinship, platonic or not, and he wanted to have this time with hansol, the fear of losing him creeping up on seungkwan’s mind all too quickly. hansol bends his arm that’s behind seungkwan over to touch the crown of his head before starting to softly thread his fingers through seungkwan’s pink hair. the touch is casual and soft, seungkwan almost doesn’t even realise. he resists the urge to just fall asleep right there.

 

“seungkwan,” hansol says softly.

 

“hm?” he mumbles in return, eyes scanning over the subtitles on screen.

 

“it’s you.”

 

seungkwan looks up at him, confused.

  
“it’s you, that i was talking about earlier.”

 

seungkwan almost gasps but the air gets stuck in his throat.

 

“i know it’s sudden but i just, i had to tell you and—“

 

seungkwan doesn’t know what part of his supposedly rational self decides to lean up into hansol’s space but he does, he pushes himself up, pressing his chest to hansol’s and he kisses him square on the mouth with all he’s got.

 

hansol responds quickly, eyes shutting quickly as he tangles his fingers back in seungkwan’s hair and holds him close, as close as he can. seungkwan follows, lifting him up so that they’re closer to each other, slowly moving his way onto hansol’s lap as he licks at hansol’s bottom lip shyly. but hansol opens his mouth and seungkwan goes for it even more, placing a tender hand on hansol’s nape.

 

“i, i can’t believe this,” seungkwan mumbles as he pulls away to breathe.

 

“neither can i,” hansol replies back before pulling seungkwan fully onto his lap and kissing him again, slotting their lips together perfectly. seungkwan loves it, he loves hansol’s hands on him and he loves hansol’s mouth on his. he doesn’t feel any stupid fireworks or any other dumb trope that he’s read or written about. he just feels hansol, under his fingers, on his lips, he feels him everywhere and seungkwan’s never felt so absolutely overtaken by pleasure before.

 

hansol pulls away, hands tight on seungkwan’s waist, panting, “seungkwan i—“

 

“no, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk, we’ve talked enough,” seungkwan replies back, tracing his thumb over hansol’s lips before leaning down and pressing his lips to hansol’s shoulder, working his way past his collar bones and onto his neck, leaving a trail of soft kisses, “we got the rest of our lives to talk, let’s just have this.”

 

\---

 

seungkwan wakes up the next morning, an uncomfortable cramp in his neck. he opens his bleary eyes, blinking a couple times before he realises that he’s not exactly alone. hansol’s there, holding onto him, his head tucked in seungkwan’s neck and arm splayed across seungkwan’s torso. their under a blanket which seungkwan assumes hansol had taken from next to the couch to cover them with when seungkwan fell asleep. their squeezed on the couch but its close and it’s perfect. seungkwan cranes his neck sightly and presses a kiss to hansol’s lips, feeling him stir soon after.

 

“g’morning,” hansol mutters, eyes opening softy, meeting with seungkwan’s.

 

“morning,” seungkwan smiles back, “is your neck okay? mine’s killing me.”

 

hansol nods, “i’m okay, sorry for not waking you last night, i didn’t want to disturb you,” he pushes his lips against seungkwan’s neck and kisses him a couple of times.

 

“well, when you put it that way,” seungkwan giggles, pushing hansol’s head away, “c’mon, let's go eat”

 

hansol whines a bit, “but i don’t wanna go out, i wanna stay here, with you.”

 

seungkwan rolls his eyes, “i’ll make breakfast then, just get up.”

 

hansol grins, “okay, can we make kimchi pancakes?”

 

“anything for my hansol.”

 

“boyfriend,” hansol corrects, “anything for my boyfriend.”

 

seungkwan laughs and shakes his head, “anything for my boyfriend.”

 

\--- fin ---  


[curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/boogyuwuu)

**Author's Note:**

> wow so this is such a long fic, i think this is my longest one-shot yet. i just had so much to write so i did lol. verkwan arent my ult anymore but i got this idea hmm last year august when i was in south africa and listening to troye sivan at 2 am, its not based off of any of his songs but idk his music helped me write this. anyways i hope you like this @ anyone who decides to read, i hope it didnt give you a headache. also this is a break from my usual childhood friends / best friends to lovers trope. for personal reasons that trope hurts my heart just a bit too much so heres this instead :))
> 
> also hmu with requests on cc (link at bottom of fic :p)


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